Sunday, May 9, 2010

"Off" Days

Days until Marathon: 356
Weight: 272.1 pounds
Distance: 2.4 miles (treadmill jog/walk)
Total miles: 12.0

Fat people walk a (heavy duty) tight rope when on a work out or diet plan. Just the slightest breeze or distraction can send us toppling head over heels down onto the huge pile of fat people that fell off before us.

Of course, falling off the healthy lifestyle high-wire now and then is okay. We all have temptations, weaknesses, meat lovers pizzas, etc. Most folks that fall, just brush themselves off, slap themselves on the back of the hand for screwing up, and step back out onto the thin line of righteous healthism.

The problem with overweight people is that most of us have fallen off so many times, we're getting used to it.

When you're standing at the edge of the high board at the neighborhood pool for the first time, staring down into the icy blue water below, your body has a MULTITUDE of natural mechanisms that help you to NOT jump off. As I am not (yet) an endocrinologist, I can't tell you what those are in scientific terms, but I'm pretty sure that "crapping your pants in fear" is one of them. Your instincts help you avoid things that you're not supposed to do. They scream into your subconscious, "You're not a bird. You're not a fish. Now quit fooling around, and climb down off that thing before you hurt yourself."

If you are able to push through those warnings, things change. You adapt. After 4 or 5 leaps into the pool from 3 meters up, it starts to become old hat. No big deal. Even a little boring. Pretty soon, those natural mechanisms that kept us from doing it, don't seem to be affecting us at all anymore. It even gets to the point where falling into the water is easier than standing on the board in front of everyone.

Same is true for those of us that are "big boned." When it comes to working out and eating right, we've screwed up so many times, our psychological systems have adapted. We've actually gotten good at failing. It just comes naturally.

This past weekend, I fell of the health wagon, and I fell hard. On my face. Into a pile of broken glass. And snakes. And Indian food. Then I fell off again the following night with a deep dish grease pie from the Hut. Two "off" days in a row where I wasn't scheduled to run, and I crashed and burned.

Of course, each night, after I had sinned, I felt terrible. But why couldn't I sense that BEFORE I dove head first into that enormous heap of Malai Kofta? Why didn't the alarms go off as I picked up my FIFTH slice of sausage and ham pizza with extra cholesterol?

Somehow, I need to find a way to re-instill those instincts. Something to "scare me straight."

Perhaps training for a marathon is part of that. No more 3 meter board for me. I'm going for the 26.2 mile platform, now. I've now publicly committed myself to running it. There is no way out. When May 1, 2011 rolls around, I WILL be in that crowd of runners at the starting line, whether I'm in shape or not.

If that isn't terrifying enough to get me back on track, then I'm in bigger trouble than I thought.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes (Knees and Toes)

Days until Marathon: 359
Weight: 272.3 pounds
Distance: 2.4 miles (jog/walk)
Total miles: 9.6

It can't be that hard, right?

One foot in front of the other. Left, right, left, right. So on, and so on.

Walking is so easy that a one year old can do it. Running is so easy, it's the natural state of a toddler. As human beings, our evolutionary ancestors have been walking on land for oh, I don't know, ABOUT 500 MILLION YEARS. Most of that time has been spent RUNNING from something trying to eat them.

So why do I feel like an injured, three-legged, newborn giraffe every morning when I run?

I've actually LOST one of the basic skills of animal survival--being able to run away from a predator. So, how do I relearn an instinct?

When you sit in front of a computer for 8-10 hours a day, you don't spend much time thinking about head tilt, torso position, and stride length. So when my morning run felt like my lugnuts were loose, I did a little research on running form.

Turns out, according to RunnersWorld, I have 29 separate body parts that need attention at all times during my run: Head, eyes, neck, back, chin, shoulders, ears, arms, hands, legs, fists, fingers, palms, waist, lower-chest, elbows, forearms, torso, lungs, hips, pelvis, knees, feet, lower leg (below the knee), ankles, heels, midfoot, toes, and calves.

Who would of thought that, after all this time, my EARS were the problem?

So now I have a running technique strategy that will help me fulfill my goal to glide gracefully across the finish line of the full marathon in 51 weeks:
  1. Look at the horizon.
  2. Relax my shoulders.
  3. Relax my fists. Imagine myself trying to carry a potato chip in each hand without crushing it.
  4. Elbows at 90 degrees.
  5. Stretch my back straight and tall.
  6. Run with a potato chip in each hand.
  7. Short stride, under my torso.
  8. Potato chips...
  9. Pelvis is a bowl of marbles. Don't spill the marbles.
  10. Ankle flexed.
  11. Cheetos...Cool Ranch Doritos...Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles...
  12. Run springy and quiet.
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In all seriousness, the article from RunnersWorld is pretty good. Great tips in easy to understand terms.


Next time I run, I'll be focussing on stride length...and potato chips. I'll provide a progress update on that front next blog.

Mmmmmm.....

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

To Share, or Not to Share

Days until Marathon: 361
Weight: 273 pounds
Distance: 2.4 miles (jog/walk)
Total miles: 7.2

Every fat person has hefty goals (pun intended). Those goals always involve eating better, exercising, and losing a MASSIVE amount of weight.

No fat person ever sets a goal of losing 5-10 pounds.

Instead, we concoct a beautiful dream of someday walking around shirtless in the hot summer sun as we mow the yard. Proudly displaying our newly unpacked six-pack to all the neighbors and passersby.

Well, that's my dream anyway...

Unfortunately, I'm about 80 pounds away from even thinking about doing anything resembling "shirtless." I don't even shower shirtless anymore. Laundry and hygiene at the same time is multitasking in my book. Plus, I need a support bra just to start the mower without seriously injuring myself.

Fat people set mostly unreachable goals about every 20 minutes or so (heck, I've set a few since I started typing). Typically, in the excitement of the moment, we even take one or two steps toward achieving them: we eat a light lunch, we walk on the treadmill, we read up on the "all new" cabbage diet, etc. Shortly thereafter, however, we cave to uncontrollable depression/weakness/Pringles, and start over. This process tends to take about an hour, from start to finish, and occurs several times a day.

Big goals are the downfall of big people.

Often times, we husky-folk keep our fantasies of weight-loss to ourselves. Maybe we are shy. Maybe we are afraid that we'll fail and look silly to those we've told. Maybe we would like it to be a big surprise when we show up to work one day, 80 pounds lighter, and people shower us with compliments about how attractive we are...or maybe that's just me. At any rate, our silence tends to take the sting out of the impending failure. It also allows us to fail MUCH more easily.

Sometimes, we portly-people like to declare our intentions to a select few. Maybe we share it in order to bolster our courage. Maybe we are looking for a partner to support us along the journey. Maybe we need a confidant to grab an extra large pizza with when nobody else is around to ask us, "are you sure you want to be eating that?" Given a day or two, after the initial goal setting rush wears off, we stop talking about it, and it fades away. Weeks later, someone will ask, "how's the diet comin'?" and we'll respond, "oh fine," then kick ourselves for ever coming up with that stupid goal.

This time, I'm trying something new. I'm taking the goal sharing idea to a whole new level. I'm not just telling a few people around me, or just my friends and family. I'M TELLING THE WHOLE FRICKIN' WORLD.

I'm posting my run summaries on Facebook. My calorie intake is on my cubicle wall. I'm writing a blog, for crying out loud. I tell every person that I meet that I'M GOING TO RUN A MARATHON. I am forcing myself to think about and confront my goal every moment of every day, because I see it and hear it and feel it EVERYWHERE.

So, in 361 days, I will either be able to celebrate my accomplishment with a LOT of people, or I will experience a failure of epic proportions in front of every person I've ever come in contact with my entire life.

There's no half way, and for now, that's keeping me going.